


A Shadow 2: Blue Moons and Broken Promises

by SpoonyLupin



Series: A Shadow [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Cheesy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Male Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 18:45:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8024953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpoonyLupin/pseuds/SpoonyLupin
Summary: After Sirius’s innocence is proven, he and Remus try desperately to recapture the friendship that they once had, just one of the many casualties lost to Azkaban. When Remus makes what could be a costly mistake, he realizes exactly how much he and Sirius need each other.





	A Shadow 2: Blue Moons and Broken Promises

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including, but not limited to, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros. Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
> 
> Author's note: Like the first story, this completely takes canon events out of order - it takes place at the beginning of Harry’s fifth year, but some of the events of the third book have only just happened. Remus is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and Sirius has recently escaped from Azkaban, but they’ve just proven that he is innocent.

“For Merlin’s sake, Padfoot.”

“What?” Sirius demanded, throwing his hands up in the air in frustration. He placed them on his hips next and stared at me for a long time. “You think I’m being unreasonable?”

“Just a bit, yes.” I closed my book in resignation, realizing that I wasn’t going to get any reading at all done until Sirius calmed down. He had been pacing around the sitting room of my quarters for the better part of an hour. He had been somewhat quiet at first, but the more time that passed, the more agitated he seemed to get.

I pinched the bridge of my nose; I could feel a headache coming on. “Look,” I sighed, “I know you don’t like Severus. No one’s asking you to, but regardless of your feelings for him, Albus trusts him. And it is important that Harry learns Occlumency right now-”

“No one’s saying he shouldn’t,” Sirius interrupted. “You know I’m all for anything that will make him safer. My problem lies in the fact that _Snape_ is going to be teaching him. They hate each other! You just _know_ Snape’s going to use it to give Harry a hard time! Regardless of what that big slimy bat says, criticism _doesn’t_ just bounce off of him.” Sirius growled in frustration. “This would just be so much easier if Albus would teach him. I mean, he _is_ the greatest wizard that ever lived!”

“We’ve been over that,” I reminded him. “Albus is adamant that Severus teach him.”

“I don’t care how gifted Albus claims Snape is. He’ll never be as good as Albus at anything.”

I looked down at the book in my hands, running my thumb over the worn gold lettering on the cover. I felt a bit wistful for the story that Sirius had pulled me out of. “Albus never would have asked Severus to do the job in the first place unless he had absolute confidence in him. You know that.” I looked up at my best friend from my place on the sofa, giving him a pleading look. “Padfoot, we all want what’s best for Harry.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and snorted. He opened his mouth again, but I talked over him.

“Yes, even Severus.” I made a face, sensing the obvious hole in my own words. “As much as he dislikes Harry, he _knows_ how important he is to our side. And I firmly believe that Severus is loyal to us. If Albus has asked him to do this, then I know that Severus will do his very best to teach Harry.”

Sirius was silent for a long time, his jaw muscles twitching compulsively. “Well, I still don’t like it,” he finally bit out. “ _Snivellus_ just better hope that Harry never comes out of one of their lessons in so much as a bad mood, because…” Sirius’s voice trailed into a snarl. “He just better watch out.”

An awkward silence fell, during which I kept turning my book over in my hands for something to do. I bit at my bottom lip, not sure if I should voice my concerns. However, when I looked at Sirius again out of the corner of my eye, I was caught.

“What?” Sirius asked.

I frowned, really not wanting to mention my fears, at least not when Sirius was still so upset about Snape. But I knew that Sirius wasn’t going to let it go. Not now. I hadn’t known Sirius for fourteen years, but I remembered enough to know that Sirius had a way of twisting almost anything out of anyone.

“Padfoot…I’m worried about you.” My tone was almost apologetic.

That strained silence fell into the room again, and I abhorred it. Twenty years ago, there were no such things as uncomfortable pauses where we were concerned. Things used to be so relaxed between us, so comfortable, and now it felt like we barely even knew each other. Perhaps we didn’t. Just another one of the casualties of Azkaban.

Sirius finally broke the silence, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted him to. The quiet had become unbearable, yes, but so was the thought that Sirius would take my words the wrong way.

“Why?” Sirius asked. “Because I have _issues_ with _Snivellus_ having private lessons with Harry?”

“I wish you'd stop calling him that.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “That’s what he is, by the way, but I thought you were worried about me.“

“I am.” I set my book next to me on the sofa, certain now that I wasn’t going to be getting any reading done at all tonight. I clasped my hands together and looked up at Sirius cautiously. “You were just in Azkaban for so long…”

“You think I’m cracking up?”

“No!” I cried. “That’s not what I meant. You’re obviously still very much sane, _especially_ compared to what most people in that place look like.” I stopped for a very long time, still debating speaking my next words, even though I knew that Sirius would get it out of me regardless. In the end, I decided that if we were going to get back any semblance of our former friendship, then the first step was to be honest. There were still so many things we needed to say to each other, and we wouldn’t get anywhere if we were keeping secrets.

“You just get in these moods…” I began, but then my voice died halfway through.

“So I’m angry!” Sirius waved his arms in the air. “I am allowed to get angry, Moony. In fact, I think I have a right.”

“I didn’t say you didn’t!”

“Then quit acting like it’s a sign that I’m losing my mind!”

I opened my mouth to respond, but then I forced myself to stop. If I said what I’d really wanted to, then I had a feeling that this might turn ugly, and that was the last thing I wanted. But then the longer I sat there in silence, an odd feeling crept over me, and I realized that maybe it really wasn’t Sirius that I was worried about. It was myself. Which was terribly selfish of me after everything that Sirius had been through.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I whispered. I heaved a heavy sigh and rubbed at my eyes with the palms of my hands. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” When I didn’t reply, Sirius crossed the room, picked up the book from the sofa, and sat down in its place. It was his turn to fiddle with the book in his hands. “I know things have been weird between us. After everything that happened, we haven’t spoken for fourteen years on top of it. Of course things are going to be strange, but you know you don’t need to apologize to me every time we exchange heated words. I thought we were past that.”

I kept staring down at my hands, unable to meet Sirius’s eyes. “That’s not what I was apologizing for.”

“Then what?”

I knew Sirius didn’t blame me. Best friends didn’t blame each other for things like this, but I felt the need to apologize anyway. “For everything,” I muttered, forcing myself to look him in the eye. “For thinking you were the traitor. For believing, even for a second, that my best friend could do anything as horrible as killing thirteen people. For thinking that you had it in you to become a Death Eater at all.”

“Moony…”

But I didn’t give him a chance to speak. Now that I had begun talking, I was finding it a little difficult to stop. “I knew you could never do those things. Deep down, I knew. That little voice in the back of my mind kept telling me you were innocent, but I refused to listen to it. Instead I listened to people who didn’t know you at all - people who said you were guilty of these horrible things. That’s what I’m sorry for. That I could so easily disregard those ten years that you spent _proving_ you were my best friend. I never had a reason to doubt you, but I did, because the _Ministry_ said you were guilty. I think that’s why it upsets me so much to see you get angry. I know you have every right to be, but I feel like I’m a part of the reason for that.”

Sirius blinked in confusion. “What? You had nothing to do with it!”

“But I feel like I should have done something,” I said a bit desperately. “I could have come to see you…”

Sirius shook his head. “No. I’m rather glad you didn’t. That place is a hellhole. I wouldn’t have wanted you to see me there.”

I started rubbing my hands together in nervousness and frustration. “But if I had given you a chance to _say_ something, to _tell_ me you were innocent. Maybe I would have believed it then. I could have done something to prove it to everyone else - go after Peter or something.”

“Don’t be silly,” Sirius said in an oddly warm tone. “After what happened to me when I went after him, Merlin only knows what could have happened to you. That little rat has a way of wreaking havoc in case you haven’t noticed. Besides, this is the Ministry we‘re talking about. They wouldn‘t have made it that easy.”

“Perhaps not,” I muttered bitterly, “but at least I could have tried.”

“I don’t blame you for anything, Moony,” Sirius said quietly. “You know that. There may have been things you could have done differently, but there were about a million things _I_ could have done differently, as well. You have nothing to be sorry for, because I would have believed it, too. I did, in fact. And I didn‘t even have a reason.”

“What?”

Sirius immediately sat up a little bit straighter and grew slightly rigid, as if he hadn’t meant to divulge that particular piece of information. He glanced at me quickly and then looked away again, staring at some spot across the room. “Since we are being honest with each other…I suppose I owe it to you to tell you the truth.”

“The truth about what?” There were indeed so many things we needed to say to each other, but I couldn’t imagine what on earth Sirius could be getting at - something that involved him thinking something horrible of me?

“About why I wanted Peter to be Secret-Keeper.”

“Because you thought it was the perfect ploy?” I asked. “Yeah, you said that when you explained to me what had happened - that no one would think it was Peter, because he was so…untalented.” I made a face. “I hate saying that about him. I hate underestimating anyone - especially now - but it makes perfect sense.”

“Moony.” Sirius’s tone suggested that he was in pain. “I didn’t tell you everything about that. Perhaps I should rephrase it. I never explained to you why I chose Peter…and not you.”

I was more confused than ever. I still didn’t see what Sirius was getting at, or what it had to do with me at all. I thought it was clear why he chose Peter.

Sirius heaved a heavy breath and ran his hands through his hair. When he spoke, his voice was barely more than a whisper, but I had no trouble hearing it. “Don’t hate me for it, but I was convinced that you had turned to Voldemort.”

Sirius still hadn’t met my eyes, so I leaned forward to try and get into his field of vision, although I wasn’t sure what I hoped to accomplish by that. I didn’t say anything for a long time, because I felt slightly ill. If I opened my mouth, I was afraid that I would lose the contents of my stomach. Then another very odd sensation seemed to replace my nausea. I felt caught somewhere in between anger and the need to laugh. Anger because he had apparently distrusted me so much, but the very thought that I would have even _entertained_ the thought of becoming a Death Eater sounded insane. To me, at least.

“Why…what on earth ever gave you that idea?” I spluttered. “I mean, obviously it had to be someone close to James and Lily, and I _don’t_ blame you for a second for wondering if it was me. Trust me, I suspected all of us at one point. Yes, even you, but I knew deep down that you would have never betrayed James. That’s why I was so confident in the original plan of you being Secret-Keeper, despite the fact that I suspected you at one point. But what made you think it was me so much so that you would choose Peter over me?”

Sirius put down my book and stood up so suddenly that it made me jump. He stalked to the far wall near the door before he turned on me. His eyes were possibly more tormented than I could ever remember seeing them. “It was so _stupid_ ,” he bit out. “So stupid. I see that now…but at the time, it was just another thing that seemed perfectly logical to me.” He looked around the room, desperately trying to avoid my gaze. I almost thought I could see the beginnings of tears shimmering in his eyes. “Because you’re a werewolf. That’s why.”

I shook my head, perhaps more out of disbelief than anything else. I didn‘t really need him to explain it any further, but I asked him to anyway. “I still don’t see why…”

“Because Voldemort was - is - famous for aligning himself with all manners of Dark Creatures!” Sirius cried so that I didn’t have to finish my question. He looked at me apologetically and added, “I thought he got to you somehow.”

“Padfoot…” I had trouble voicing my thoughts, trouble explaining what it was about all of this that hurt me so much. Perhaps Sirius already knew, but I felt the need to justify my feelings the best I could. “You told me once - right after you figured it out, actually - that you’d never let the fact that I was a werewolf influence your opinion of me. That you’d continue to treat me exactly the same way as you always had.”

“I know,” Sirius said a bit breathlessly, holding up his hands in defeat. “I know…but I was wrong. But just the fact that Voldemort had all of these werewolf followers-” Sirius broke off and growled again. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. “I’m not trying to defend what I did, because there is no excuse, but it seemed so obvious at the time that he would try to gain your loyalty. He did it with every other Dark Creature.”

“And you thought I’d go right along with him if he did approach me, hm? That all of you meant so little to me that I’d exchange the very first friends I ever had just because Voldemort wanted werewolves on his side?” I didn’t know why I was getting so angry. I hadn’t intended to start yelling, but I found the words were escaping me before I could even process them.

“I don’t know!” Sirius cried. He looked terrified now, because I knew this was exactly what he didn’t want to happen - for me to get angry. He had been honest with me in the interest of trying to repair our friendship, not to make it worse. Sirius had been completely understanding when I’d told him why I distrusted him, and he must have been expecting the same of me. We had both made so many mistakes, and the last thing we should have done was blame each other for them now, because that would solve absolutely nothing. But I couldn‘t help how I felt.

I got up, turned my back on Sirius, and went to the window that looked out over the castle grounds. When I thought about it, however, it occurred to me that I wasn’t really angry at Sirius. I was only taking it out on him because he was there. On the contrary, the thing that I was most upset about was the simple fact that I was a werewolf at all. That I had been careless enough at the age of five to wander into that dark forest, the place that was responsible for making everything so complicated now. So in reality, it myself that I was so mad at. And that accursed moon that I should have been paying more attention to.

“I have no idea what I was even thinking!” Sirius exclaimed. “Like I said, it seemed to make so much sense at the time, but…now I know how stupid I was. Hindsight is everything.”

“If I wasn’t a werewolf,” I whispered, still staring out into the darkening evening, “are you telling me that you might have picked me to be Secret-Keeper after all? That James and Lily might still be alive?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius bit out, enunciating every word. “Would I have trusted you more - I can’t answer that. I can’t tell you what I would have done. It isn‘t fair to make me answer that.”

“Oh, but you already did, Padfoot.” I turned around, facing him directly for the first time in several minutes. “You made a judgment about me - about my loyalty - based on my lycanthropy alone. After you promised that it would _never_ influence your opinion of me. That says it all.”

I needed to get out of there. I needed some space, and I needed to get away from the horrible turn our conversation had taken. I crossed the room to the door, reaching for my battered and worn cloak which was hanging on the coat rack next to it.

“Where are you going?” Sirius asked wearily.

“I need some air,” I muttered. I reached for the doorknob and thrust the door open. Before I left, however, I turned back to Sirius one last time. “For the record, I _was_ approached to become a Death Eater. If I have to tell you what my answer was…you never knew me as well as you thought you did.”

I hurried down the hall, Sirius calling after me, asking me to stop. His voice grew in intensity as I went, but I didn’t slow my steps. Perhaps he sensed something - knew somehow that I should have stayed inside instead of running out onto the grounds where anything could have happened. That should have been my first clue that he knew me better than I ever could have imagined.

But I kept walking, leaving him behind at my quarters. I didn’t even take any notice of where I was going or if I was indeed heading out onto the grounds. I just kept walking, my anger seeming to boil over inside and making me want to keep moving. Or else I was afraid that it would have exploded.

“Remus?”

I stopped, completely surprised by the fact that I had somehow found Gryffindor Tower, miles away from my quarters. I turned on my heel and found Harry staring at me, standing just in front of the portrait hole. Blinking, I tried to get my bearings.

“Er…should you be out at this time of night?” I asked, trying to sound casual. I really didn’t want him to know that I was upset, or what had happened to cause it, so I pounced on his own guilt right away.

“Not really,” Harry said quickly, attempting to shrug it off. “I was going to go for a walk, but…forget you saw me, okay? I won‘t do it again.” He grinned, turning back to the portrait hole.

“Harry,” I called and unlike me, he did stop and turn around.

Harry frowned uncertainly. “Are you going to take points away?”

“No, it’s fine.” I held up the cloak in my hands. “I was actually going for a walk myself. You’re welcome to come if you want.”

“You’re sure you won’t mind?”

“’Course not.” I had actually begun to think that being around Harry might help to assuage some of my anger. Maybe even talking to him was exactly what I needed at the moment.

Harry shrugged but joined me, falling into step next to me as we made our way through the castle and out onto the darkened grounds. It was quite cool, that permanent autumn chill having settled into the air. Pulling my cloak around my shoulders, Harry and I kept on walking across the grounds.

Neither one of us said anything for a long time, but when we were halfway to Hagrid’s hut, Harry spoke up for the first time. “Sir?”

“Remus, Harry,” I corrected him softly. “In light of recent events, I think we’re well past the point of using formalities. You only need to address me by sir or Professor when we’re in class.”

“I know, I just forget sometimes,” Harry replied. “It’s weird finding out that you knew my parents so well.”

“I should have told you sooner, I know,” I whispered. “I just knew that if I did, I’d eventually have to explain about Sirius. Before I knew he was innocent, that seemed like a very scary thought. I wasn‘t sure if you needed to know about all of that or not.”

“He said it was understandable that no one did tell me about him,” Harry said immediately. “And I agree with him. That it only would have made things more upsetting to know what he did…or what everything thought he did.” Harry shivered visibly. “I mean, I wish things could have been different, but…I do understand the choices that everyone made. You were all only trying to protect me.”

“Harry…” I began, but I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to say. Then I noticed that we had walked into the shade of a large tree with overhangs that nearly reached the ground. It felt comforting somehow, almost like it was hugging us. I didn‘t want to leave its shelter again, so I gestured to a log that had long ago fallen to the ground. It was overgrown with grass and moss, providing the perfect place for us to sit down.

“What?” Harry spurred when I didn’t say anything more.

I wasn’t even sure why I said what I did next. Maybe it was my own screaming conscious, feeling like it needed to come clean. That I needed to be honest with Harry about one of the reasons why his parents were dead. Deep down, I knew he wouldn’t hold me responsible, but for the most precarious moment, I was overwhelmed with the idea that he would hate me for it.

“I feel like you need to know something,” I said, “if only for my own peace of mind. I don’t want you to think badly of any of us for it, but did Sirius ever tell you the full reason why Peter was the Secret-Keeper?”

“Er…” Harry began uncertainly. “Just that he was so incompetent no one would think it was him.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, picking at some loose threads on my robes. “And if I wasn’t a werewolf, things might have been different, too.”

“What?”

“They chose Peter, because he wasn’t a werewolf.” I pressed my hand against my eyes, wondering if I was making the right choice in revealing this. “Because Voldemort aligns himself with Dark Creatures, and they were afraid that I might have turned to him out of desperation.”

“You’d never do that.”

“They didn’t know that at the time, Harry. I can’t really say I blame them, not with the way everyone regarded my kind, especially back then.” I looked sideways at him. “Peter just seemed like the safer choice.”

Harry, however, didn’t seem the least bit perturbed by this latest information. “As I told Sirius, as long as he was doing what he thought was best for my parents at the time…then it’s not his fault. Nor is it yours for being what you are.” He paused for a long time before he asked, “Is that what has you so upset tonight?”

I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “You really are your father’s son, Harry. James could always tell when I was upset, even when I tried to pretend that I wasn’t.”

“So that is what’s bothering you?”

I simply nodded. “If I wasn’t a werewolf, maybe they would have trusted me more instead of Peter. Things could have turned out so differently.”

“Maybe,” Harry sighed. A breezed flitted through the branches then, and Harry leaned into it, letting it ruffle his hair. “Maybe not. But it doesn’t really matter. That’s all over with, and there’s really no point in dwelling on what could have been done differently, is there?”

“I guess not.”

Harry scooted a bit closer to me on the log. “I know that both you and Sirius loved my parents, and if you could change things, you would. None of this is your fault - not what Peter chose to do, and especially not things that were out of your control. I know that my parents wouldn’t want me to blame either you or Sirius, and I don’t intend to. I just…want the chance to build some semblance of a family now, and holding grudges and finding things that we all did wrong isn’t going to help.”

“We want that, too,” I said confidently. “Both Sirius and I want to build a proper family with you now that we’re able to. But…which one of us is the teacher anyway?” I asked, and Harry grinned at me.

Just then, another breeze made the branches above us creak, and they parted just enough. As soon as I saw the pale silvery moonlight trickling down through the branches, even before the soft traitorous glow hit me, I knew. I had made a horrible mistake by going out on the grounds at all, made even worse that I had Harry as my companion. What made the whole thing so unforgivable, however, was the fact that I hadn’t had the Wolfsbane Potion that month. I had been so caught up in the fact that Sirius was innocent and had come back into our lives that I had forgotten. Like it was something that I could ever truly put out of my mind to begin with.

It would have been so much better if I had remained in my quarters. Given, that would have been inside the castle among all of the students, but Sirius would have been with me. He would have known exactly what to do, and he would have jumped into action immediately. Sirius would have applied a Locking Charm to the door, then he would have transformed into Padfoot and made sure that nothing happened to anyone.

But now I had no one. No one to save Harry, and no one to help me. That made me realize exactly how much I needed my best friend. Not just then, not just during full moons, but during every other thing that we ever encountered. The world just wasn’t right if we weren’t tackling them together. I could see that now - how lost I had felt for the last fourteen years without him.

Now he was back, and I needed him more than anything in that moment.

“Padfoot,” I groaned, my spine going rigid. I tried to tell Harry to run, to get the hell away from me, but my breath caught in my throat. The only sound I was capable of producing in that moment was a scream, one of pain that echoed out over the grounds. I slid forward off the log and then leaned back against it, bolts of pain running up and down my limbs.

Harry had stood up from the fallen log, his wand in one hand, and his eyes going frantically from me to the castle. He looked scared, but he still didn’t run. Damn us brave Gryffindors.

I didn’t think there was anyway out of it. By the time the night was over, Harry was either going to be a werewolf himself, or he was going to be mauled beyond recognition by me. Me, one of the very people that had promised to take care of him.

Again, I tried to tell him to run, but it was too late. The transformation had already begun, and the only sounds my vocal chords were capable of producing were those of the wolf. I shut my eyes, trying desperately to cling to my sanity, but I could feel the wolf creeping into my subconscious. Turning me into the monster that I was sure that I was.

But then, just like he had been for the first ten years of our friendship, he was there. Sirius, who had appointed himself my protector at one point and who always made sure that I never hurt anyone.

“MOONY!” Sirius screamed out across the grounds from somewhere near the castle’s entrance. “HARRY!”

“Here!” Harry yelped, his voice cracking. He stumbled away from me and finally got his voice working. “SIRIUS! WE’RE HERE!”

“HARRY!”

I could hear Sirius, running towards us and screaming across the grounds, but he still sounded so far away. I only hoped to Merlin that Sirius would get there in time. That was my very last thought before every single part of my human mind was gone, and the wolf took over completely.

~~~~~~~~~~

My mind slowly swam to the surface of consciousness. I could vaguely hear people talking, and when I opened my eyes, bright autumn sunlight nearly blinded me. I groaned and cringed away from the source, burying my head further into what I realized was a pillow. Not the hard ground outside like I had been expecting.

“Moony?”

I was afraid. Afraid to open my eyes, to talk to him at all. I had absolutely no recollection of what had happened the night before after I had transformed, and the last thing I wanted to do was meet Sirius’s eyes if I had been responsible for hurting his godson in any way.

“Moony?”

I clenched my teeth together tightly, but finally forced myself to look at him. I was immediately met with those friendly blue eyes that I had known for so long. Sirius didn’t look the least bit angry, but that didn’t stop me from asking the only question that I was concerned with at the moment. “Is Harry okay?”

Sirius smiled, then gestured across me to the other side of my bed. “See for yourself.”

Fear bubbled up in my throat, but I turned my head anyway, swallowing hard. Like a mirror image of his godfather, Harry was standing on the opposite side of the bed, a similar smile on his face.

“M’fine,” Harry said firmly. “You didn’t hurt me at all.”

My eyes slid closed again, and I breathed a sigh of relief just before fear exploded inside me again. “Is Albus angry? What about the other teachers?”

Sirius turned and sat down on the edge of my mattress. “Albus seemed pretty understanding when he was here. I told him that things have been a bit of a mess between us, and it’s no wonder that you forgot to do some things as a result. We all did. And he said that what the other teachers don’t know won’t hurt them. Especially Snivellus.” Sirius grinned mischievously.

I didn’t know whether to feel better or worse. I was thankful, of course, that no one was holding me responsible, but I almost wished they would, because I deserved to answer for what might have happened.

“I’m sorry, Harry,” I apologized, because I didn‘t know what else to do to make the burning guilt inside me subside. “I should have been more careful…”

“Don’t,” Harry interrupted gently. “Don’t worry about it. Nothing happened. Sirius made sure of it. You have nothing to apologize for. Finding out about Sirius has us all out of sorts, believe me.”

“Glad to know my presence here affects you all so negatively,” Sirius teased. “I could go back to Azkaban if you’d rather.”

“Never,” I said.

“Remus,” Harry said, his bright green eyes still focused solely on me. “I just want to you know that I don’t hold you responsible. Nor am I afraid of you or concerned in the least that you’re unsafe to be around, because you’re not. In fact, you’re two of the only adults I’ve ever felt completely safe around, even now. I know you’re a werewolf, and I know the consequences of that. I’m quite old enough to keep track of the moon and to know when is and is not a good time to go wandering around the grounds at night.”

“Actually,” Sirius spoke up, “that would be never. Especially for you.”

“I was with Remus,” Harry argued. “He invited me on his walk. I wasn’t doing anything wrong.” When Sirius showed no further signs of protesting, Harry said to me, “Promise you’re not going to be blaming yourself for any of this. Because I know you probably will, but you don’t need to, okay?”

I shifted uncomfortably in my bed. I knew I didn’t deserve his understanding or forgiveness, but I nodded anyway. “I’ll try not to.”

Harry smiled again. “That’s all I can ask.” He suddenly leaned forward and laid an arm across my chest, gripping my shoulder tightly in one hand. He pressed his nose into my hair. “I still want what I said last night - about being a family with you two,” he whispered before quickly withdrawing, possibly wondering if such physical gestures from him were welcome.

I gave him a reassuring smile, my throat too tight to tell him that sometimes gestures speak more than words ever could. He seemed to understand that, because he stepped around my bed and hugged Sirius as well.

“McGonagall’s going to kill me for being late,” Harry said then, “so I’ll see you two later.”

When he made his way out of the hospital wing, Sirius and I were quiet for a very long time, alternately looking at each other and at various spots around the room.

Finally, I asked, “What happened last night? How’d you know where we were?”

“I stayed in your quarters after you left,” Sirius explained. “Trying to figure out how I could possibly fix things between us, and then I saw you and Harry leaving the castle together. I didn’t think anything of it at first, but then…”

“You saw the moon.”

Sirius nodded. “I had no idea if you had taken your potion or not, and I should have, because I should be paying attention to those things, too. But something told me that you hadn’t, because I didn’t think you’d be wandering around outside if you had been expecting to transform. So I ran to check on you two, and I got there just in time. I told Harry to run back to the castle, and I transformed into Padfoot and kept you safe all night.”

“Thank you, Padfoot. I never would have forgiven myself if I had done something to Harry…or to anyone.”

“It’s nothing,” Sirius said. “’Tis my job, remember? The one I promised to do twenty years ago when I became an Animagus. I told you then and there that I’d be with you for every single transformation as long as I lived, keeping you safe.” He looked past me to the windows, his eyes reflecting the bright sunshine. “I’m sorry I had to go and get myself arrested, and that I left you alone for so long.”

“Padfoot.” I reached out for his hand, clasping it tightly in mine. “After last night…I think you’ve more than made it up to me.”

Sirius frowned down at our joined hands. “What about the rest of it? The fact that I wrote you off as the traitor just because you are a werewolf? I broke that promise to you, too.”

I shook my head, taking a moment to think about my response. “I know I was angry last night…but it wasn’t really at you.”

“Moony, you ran out on me.”

I felt a faint blush rising up in my cheeks. “Would you believe the moon was making me antsy?”

“No.”

“Smart dog.” I shifted in bed, trying to find a more comfortable spot, but I still didn’t let go of Sirius’s hand. “It wasn’t you. It _wasn’t_ ,” I emphasized when he stared at me in disbelief. “Harry and I talked for a bit before I transformed, and I realized that it was mostly me I was angry at. For being a werewolf in the first place and making things so damn complicated.”

“That’s hardly your fault, you know. As I‘ve always told you, things like that aren‘t anyone‘s fault.”

“I know.”

Sirius squeezed my hand. “Well, for what it’s worth, I am sorry. You never gave me _any_ reason to think you were the traitor. I promised to never let your lycanthropy get in between us, and that’s exactly what I did. Just because I was paranoid. You have no idea how much I regret that. Possibly more than anything else.”

“Nor did you ever give me any reason to believe you were the traitor,” I said. “The only reason I had was because people who knew nothing about you said you were. That’s something I deeply regret as well, and I…think that makes us pretty even.”

“Fair enough. But can we make a promise to each other?”

“Of course.”

Sirius tightened his hold on my hand even more and stared at me intently. “That no matter what happens, no matters what anyone else says, we’ll always trust each other from this point on. Trust that neither of us would ever do anything to betray the other.”

I nodded firmly. “I promise, Padfoot.”

“Me too, Moony.”

“And despite what I said last night, I love you, you mangy mutt.”

Sirius snorted. “You haven’t called me that in a long time.”

“We haven’t been best friends for a long time.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I never once in the last fourteen years felt like you weren’t my best friend.” I opened my mouth to speak, but Sirius talked over me. “Oh, I was well aware of how you must have felt about me, but I never once stopped loving you during that time. It reminded me of all the mistakes I had made, of how much we had lost, so the dementors couldn't even take it away from me. And I think that, just maybe, that was enough for both of us.”

I considered this for a long time before I replied. “It must have been, because just now, it felt like we hadn’t spent any time apart at all.”

Sirius tugged at my hand, pulling me up off the bed. He wrapped his arms around me so tightly, I felt caught a little off guard, but then I returned the gesture.

“We haven’t,” Sirius said gruffly. “Spent any time apart, I mean. Because even though I was miles away in body, I was always right here with you. Always.”

I fell back against my pillows, and silence overtook the room once more, but this time it was different. It was the first time in fourteen years that I felt completely at ease with him, that I didn’t feel like I needed to say something. Because there was no need to give voice to the feelings that the two of us were simultaneously experiencing. In fact, there were no words for them at all.

_The end_


End file.
